It's been a while, but I am going to pick back up on my series on conversation habits and what they reveal about us. Let's recap:
Episode 1: We established the fact that as Christians we are called to be communicators and be stretched out of our comfort zones.
Episode 2: We created the term "humble conversationalist": a person more concerned with the glory of God and the interest of others above their own. This person is growing both in the grace of humility and the art of communication.
Now let's tackle what it looks like to be a servant leader in conversations. We have an opportunity to make our daily communication intentional, helpful and redemptive.
UNDERSTANDING LEADERSHIP
Every person is leading someone. Husbands lead wives, Mothers lead children, Teachers lead students, Bosses lead employees, Big brothers lead little brothers. Look behind you; there is probably someone following.
Christians ought to be a very specific kind of leadership. We have been called out of the world, saved from our sins and given the glorious task of adorning the gospel with our good works. As ambassadors of Christ we ought to be always leading, always being salt and light. A dying, confused world is looking for someone to show them the way. By God's grace, we can be that signpost directing them to the Cross.
But we don't lead by force or manipulation or eloquent wisdom. Godly leaders motivate with grace, lead by example and serve the people they influence. They do not seek to build their own glory, but desire to make much of Christ. They use their influence -- however small, meek or simple -- to help others see, live, serve, know and fulfill their ultimate purpose in life. What a task! I find this mandate both intimidating and exhilarating. It makes me freshly grateful that God works through me in HIS strength, for HIS purposes which bring HIM glory.
UNDERSTANDING GENDER ROLES
No discussion of servant leadership would be complete without broaching the subject of how men and women are to lead. Created equal in value but different in role, it is imperative to see how men and women are to work together as a team -- and not just inside the context of marriage. We won't go into an extensive study of gender roles now, but we must be on the same page before we can talk practicals of conversation.
Bibilical masculinity insists that men be humble and courageous as initiators, providers, protectors and servant leaders using the power of authority.
Biblical femininity insists that women be humble and courageous as responders, life-givers, supporters and servant leaders using the power of influence.
Equal in value, different in role. What a joy to complement one another for the glory of God!
PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE
Based on study and personal experience, allow me to offer a few specific suggestions for how we can implement humble conversation as men and as women...
For the Gentlemen:
1) Pattern of Initiation -- Make it your regular effort to initiate conversation, plans and spiritual leadership. Don't always leave it to the girls to fill the silence in conversation, make plans for a group outing or ask someone to pray over lunch.
2) Ask Real Questions -- In conversation, be willing to ask people real questions about life, God, plans, opinions and current issues. You are not prying and you are not communicating romantic interest. Take the helm and direct the conversation somewhere intentional. Not everything has to be serious, just make it sincere.
3) Lead, Not Manipulate -- Humble leadership doesn't fill every space and opportunity with themselves but creates space for others to speak, share and shine. The true ladies in your midst will appreciate the the direction and the guys will learn from your example.
4) Take Opportunities -- Look for chances to lead in everyday conversation. Intimidated? Pray for God to strengthen you and then make it your goal to serve the people you know. With God's grace and the good of others as your motivation, just step out and lead in conversation!
5) Model What You Expect of Others -- You'll find that your own experience in conversation is more enjoyable when you speak to others how you would like them to speak to you. Be the leader and raise the bar for everyone you know. They are watching you for cues; model your expectations.
6) Set the Tone -- Your tone, attitude and words really set the tone for a group. Just by your laughter you can affirm or condemn a conversation. Even more, your disinterest can squelch the interests and efforts of others in your group to be humble conversationalists.
For the Ladies:
1) Be Patient -- As the guys in your midst are learning to lead, give them lots of grace. Between the fact that girls often mature more quickly than guys and the fact that women speak twice as many words in a day as men, we should be cultivating lots of patience! As the guys begin to step up, be ready serve and support them.
2) Speak with Content -- Nothing is more frustrating than a shallow girl who won't take the time to develop a genuine answer. Think about the question being asked and respond with substance. Don't be afraid of communicating honestly (where appropriate). If the guys are stepping out to ask real questions, we out to be ready with a real answer.
3) Encourage Leadership -- Whether it is a girl or a guy stepping out to be a servant leader/humble conversationalist, be ready to respond. Even if their question seems awkwardly timed, give them your attention and answer. Be easy to lead by responding to those making an effort. Reward those who are stepping out with your affirmation and support.
4) Leave Openings -- As a rule, have questions ready, look for common ground and be someone who can easily carry on a conversation. However, you need to be ready to leave openings for the guys to take their opportunities. Don't fill every silence and don't offer every suggestion. Let them ask you for input or let them start a new topic. Just be ready to engage in conversation when they do!
5) Model What You Expect of Others -- Not only do you set an example to other women by your conversational habits, but you can also set up the guys for success in theirs. Instead of saying "Let's go to Applebee's. Is everyone ok with that?" you can say, "I was thinking we could all go to Applebee's. James, would you be willing to take the reigns from here and see if that's ok with everyone?" Let them know you want them to lead. Be nearby to assist, but communicate in a way that lets others know what you expect.
6) Set the Tone -- Your tone, attitude and words really set the tone for a group. Just by your laughter you can affirm or condemn a conversation. Even more, your disinterest can squelch the interests and efforts of others in your group to be humble conversationalists.
7) Don't Assume Interest! -- On behalf of the guys in your midst, let me remind you that just because a guy is drawing you out in conversation doesn't mean he is romantically interested in you. Assume he's not and just respond as a mature, godly woman would to her brother.
Perhaps all of this is a lot to process for you. I know that if it weren't for the men and women in my life who model this, I'm not even sure I would believe that it was possible. Look around and find the people who model servant leadership in communication. Make it your goal to not let idle chatter characterize your conversational habits.
Step out; be the leader.
Comments (3)
Well put.
wow, Lydia. thanks for posting this. =) please keep these observations coming -- they're really wise and I've benefited from reading them.
you are so wise my friend!